WRITTEN BY: MILES HARRINGTON
The moment is here ID10Ts. While y’all’s wives force you to TitanUp around the house after church on Sunday, at noon, it’s time to get it on! After taking a virtual tour of the Saints’ facilities and back alleys of New Orleans, I feel ready as ever to divulge what secrets our opponent keeps behind closed doors. As the Titans aim to snap their miserable seven game skid dating back to last season, I'm going to take you on a journey through the streets of New Orleans to talk with their fans first hand.
First, we must address the center of attention for New Orleans’ off-season – Alvin Kamara. The aspiring heavyweight boxer is projected to have zero touches on the field Sunday as he pleaded no contest to touching a fellow human very hard last year in Las Vegas. He is considered by some fantasy experts to be a risky week 1 start considering he is indeed suspended.
What happens in Vegas, typically stays in Vegas. That is unless you're a superstar running back in the National Football League. Jamaal Williams, aka Hingle McCringleberry, is expected to carry the load for the Saints after tallying 1,066 yards and 17 tuddies for Detroit in 2022. He on the other hand is considered by some fantasy experts to be a sneaky week 1 start since he is indeed NOT suspended.
Expect NOLA to go to the air early behind the questionable arm strength of eye liner enthusiast and future Hall of Mediocre Quarterback Derek Carr, who is most notably known for being the little brother of failed NFL Quarterback turned semi-famed NFL Network analyst, David Carr.
After protesting for five consecutive seasons, Carr agreed to return to the Pro Bowl when the league bowed to his demands and turned the NFL’s finest display of talent into a patty cake contest – Remember... safety first, boys and girls. The man then unilaterally redefined the market for quarterbacks that is sure to have a ripple effect on the league for generations to come. New Orleans understood, through some twisted logic, that Derek Carr was clearly the most attractive quarterback this off-season... sorry Aaron Rodgers. Maybe try a little eyeliner next time?
The Saints’ unapologetic confidence in Michael Thomas paired with second year Wide Receiver, Chris Olave, should have Kevin Byard and company shaking; not to mention backup Tight End Jimmy Graham, who promises to quickly return to 2013 form overnight. Mix in a wildly decent Juwan Johnson, who nearly rewrote NFL record books with a jaw-dropping 42 catches for 508 yards in 2022, and this offense is clearly nightmare fuel for the opposition.
Luckily, the offensive line for NO should have NO issue protecting the city’s uncut gem, Derek Carr, as he attempts to force feed targets, because as the lovely lady at Harrah’s Casino so eloquently put it, Tennessee’s pass rush, “Ain’t got no talent" and that coincidentally her boss’s name was also Jeff Simmons. Despite me telling her that our Big Jeff compiled 7.5 sacks last season, the woman insisted the Big Jeff she knows compiles 7.5 sacks of food for lunch each day. This riveting insight captivated yet confused me a bit, but I continued along my way until I encountered a voodoo priest, who strangely also worked at Harrah's. It seems to be a popular place of employment around here.
Once he reminded me of their offensive line struggles in 2022 (ranked 28th by PFF) and ensured me no curse would be placed on Tanny, Henry, DHop, Big Jeff, Autry, or Honor Landry, I agreed to lend him a couple strands of my hair. Hey, what can I say? I'm a trusting guy.
On the other side of the ball we still have that guy Derrick Henry, who despite off season rumors, is still king around these parts. Keep your eye on 3x-Pro Bowl Linebacker Demario Davis as he attempts to contain both Henry and freshly unlocked Titans rookie video game character, Tyjae Sharp – I mean Spears. Defensive Tackle Bryan Bresee, who was the Saints’ first round pick in this past draft, will be tested immediately against a well-balanced rushing attack that some are saying could be the best 1-2 punch in the NFL. Is this the new "Smash & Dash" Titans fans have been waiting for?
Conversely, Ryan Tannehill will try to survive behind a questionable, rebuilt O-line that will inevitably make or break the Titans’ season. If he can release the ball, like at all, and the line can keep his jersey clean, we will have a Sriracha sauce matchup with Defensive Back, Marshon Lattimore, and some dude by the name of DeAndre Hopkins. My brain trust tells me this showdown could get spicy. If Tannehill and DHop can immediately click, while the King so graciously totes the rock, Tanny will take the top off that NO defense faster than T-Rac at Mardi Gras. Titan Up!
Realistic Prediction: Titans 96, NO 3
"and that’s the bottom line, behind enemy lines"
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
After being picked up off waivers from his home state of Indiana, Miles Harrington landed at the Titans Idiot Nation as their official hired gun. Miles’ hobbies include exotic travel to the most dangerous corners of the earth, humiliating Colts fans, and exclusively dating women with intel on fantasy sleepers. Miles is so sports obsessed that his family nearly had him committed. But the judge was so impressed with his work at The Pamphleteer that she granted him full immunity. Head on over to his page to see for yourself.Check Out Some Other Stories From Titans Idiot Nation
