Titans open divisional play against only AFC South team that pays State Income Tax

C.O.L.T.S. - an acronym I grew up with in the 90’s as an Indiana native. Count. On. Losing. This. Sunday. Times were bleak for these Naptown Nobodies in the Jim Harbaugh days, truly the Indy era of nostalgia I cherish the most, as the franchise’s mediocrity matched the mantra of the entire Hoosier State.. BLAH. Hell, it took a matchup with the Titans to convince Jonathan Taylor to even suit up for the boring ass Jabronies. As he said enthusiastically Thursday, “I’m here right now.” Me too, bro, me too. I fled Indiana not to escape tyranny or oppression, but annihilation. Thank you, President Whitmore for your inspiration.

Any rational homosapien would take Pyongyang over Gary, Terre Haute, or West Lafayette any day (at least according to US Army Private, Travis King). But now I have returned to this God forsaken state knowing full well this may be a suicide mission. TI - tell my family I love them very much. Ah hell, I’ll do it myself. Thankfully they’re already here in Indy because I needed a few folks to suffer though alongside this snoozer of a city. I almost forgot how much of a “poor man’s Nashville” Indianapolis strives to be. The most exciting thing that’s ever happened in this pitstop of a town is when Pat McAfee got plastered and took a dip in a Central Canal.

Just look at that mugshot. Those are the eyes of a man that's stone cold sober. 

Not to be out done is America’s second favorite megalomaniac owner, Jim Irsay. Word on the street is he’s dabbling with a vegan cocaine blend, thanks to his newest future ex-girlfriend that’s almost one-third of his age. I cannot confirm nor deny the existence of this substance considering my honorary lifetime ban from Pucas Oil Stadium, but at the very least it's rumored to be organic so it's obviously healthy, right? 

“Hey Jim, shouldn't y'all focus on finding that mysterious white substance called the goal line?”

As I was once again escorted from the oil can’s premises, an unemployed local shouted "Zack Moss is the best back in the division and only five yards behind stupid Henry." Captains Log: These corn fed folks are more illogical than I recall.

Despite zero carries for zero yards, I have no doubt fantasy owners are salivating to insert Taylor into their starting lineup, but watch out! Formerly known as politically incorrect AR-15, Anthony Richardson, might upstage JT's triumphant return and vulture all of the fun. According to their zealot fanbase, he’s not only the best rookie quarterback of all-time through four weeks, sorry CJ Stroud, facts don't matter here... but he’s already the greatest QB in Colts’ franchise history. Unlike Peyton Manning, he will NOT set an all-time rookie INT record so by default he must be the best to ever do it!

The young man hasn’t even proven he can stay on the field and yet Naptown already wants to anoint him as the chosen one. Slow down, fellas! Let’s see him best 500 career passing yards and handle the Titans’ front four first before crowning him your next savior. On the flip side, the cUlts defense has had nightmares trying to contain the REAL king of the AFC South. Half of the showdowns between Derrick Henry and the Indy D have resulted in 100 plus yards. Coming off his best performance of the season, No. 22 shows no signs of stopping. With the return of Peter Skoronski, a restocked offensive front will undoubtedly pave the road for the Titans run game. By Sunday evening, Dolts fans will be begging INDOT to hire us to fill their assortmentment of potholes on I-465. Enjoy your depressing drive home after another “L” and don’t blow a tire!