WRITTEN BY: MILES HARRINGTON
Alright ID10Ts, I hope your stomachs are stuffed and your drunk uncle’s political rants were brief (or maybe epic if you’re that uncle). Hopping in the old Winnebago, the journey from Jacksonville to North Cackalacky felt dull and somewhat devoid of purpose. Hard to get motor-vaded when you're staring 3-7 right in the Pumpkin Pie hole. (Thanksgiving is still on the brain, clearly.) My apologies to the fam; perhaps I'll make it home for Christmas. Feel free to prod the front office about when they plan to pull the trigger and snag a victory on the road.
This matchup between rookie quarterbacks should favor Billy Jeans at home. If you think we're struggling, just take a look at Carolina—can't spell it without S-U-C-K. Fueled by what critics label as the biggest first overall draft bust since JaMarcus Russell, Bryce Young boasts the impressive physique of a theater usher who still falls short of the height requirements for the coasters at Carowinds. He's no Cami Newton, that's for sure. In my opinion, they might want to give more snaps to their punter, Johnny Hekker, who not only leads the Panthers in completion percentage but also in QBR.
The Carolina Panthers will always strike me as a fake franchise. They joined the league in '95 alongside the Jagoffs, no less. The whole 'Carolina' instead of 'Charlotte' gimmick was meant to span the stadium across both North and South Carolina—well, they failed at that too. Much like their run game, they couldn't gain the ground to get it done. A total of 923 rushing yards as a team might not be the absolute worst in the NFL, but it's damn near close. (Fourth worst if you're scoring at home.)
Also hovering near the bottom of this team is their coaching staff. Guided blindly by their fearless - and seemingly senseless - leader, Frank Reich, the Panthers are already eyeing a new head coach by early 2024. Let's be honest, football just ain't his thing. Reich might consider a career as a mechanic, spending Sundays down at the local bar and grill, enjoying his sixth bowl of 'complimentary' chips and salsa. Sure, he had a cute little comeback against the Oilers in the playoffs, but that was over 30 years ago, and his career has been headed downhill ever since.
Anticipate a false sense of hope this afternoon at Nissan Stadium. I know we might be frustrated with the new stadium being called 'Nissan Stadium,' but why change the name when success is about to start drumming up here? We'll hit 4-7 today, so enjoy it. And don't forget to find TI and claim that free beer he owes you before kickoff. Remember: Friends don’t let friends celebrate Ws sober.
Prediction: Seriously… it's Carolina.
"and that’s the bottom line, behind enemy lines"
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
After being picked up off waivers from his home state of Indiana, Miles Harrington landed at the Titans Idiot Nation as their official hired gun. Miles’ hobbies include exotic travel to the most dangerous corners of the earth, humiliating Colts fans, and exclusively dating women with intel on fantasy sleepers. Miles is so sports-obsessed that his family nearly had him committed. But the judge was so impressed with his work at The Pamphleteer that she granted him full immunity. Head on over to his page to see for yourself.Check Out Some Other Stories From Titans Idiot Nation
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