Jolted Back to Life, Titans Aim to Start a Winning Streak against the Bolts

WRITTEN BY: MILES HARRINGTON

WTF ID10Ts, We won? Christ Almighty! We actually beat a team with multiple wins! Talk about padding the ol' resume as we skyrocket up the NFL Power Rankings. And hey, we're now officially the hottest team in the AFC South, riding a red-hot one-game winning streak. Who’s got it better than us? ...Just about everybody, still.

Half the team's been traded off, it feels like—our monster trade for L'Jarius Sneed has cobwebbed in the corner. Hell, we even got our "starting" QB is back this week, and yet the hype is so quiet you can hear a pin drop.

At least Pollard and Spears are good to go, which is great news for everyone still clinging to Project 11-6. We’ll need all hands on deck as we venture to lowly LA, facing the gatekeepers of AFC Purgatory: the Chargers.

November in the NFL: one week you're dealing with Massholes, and the next, you're up against the premium-grade dick heads of Los Angeles. It’s nauseating but in an oddly satisfying way. People come and go—no biggie—but a Sunny and 77° forecast? Now that is eternal, like Wu Tang.

Now that the political season’s done, the SoCal celeb gremlins have crawled back to the Hollywood swamp, making the City of Angels just barely presentable for any self-respecting Tennessean. LA still sucks, of course, but come on—it’s the weather, stupid! This definitely beats Boston.

 

And like beating Boston, or rather that team from f—king Foxborough whatever, the Titans will once again TitanUp the ship enough to pull off a stunner in Los Ang… goddammit … Inglewood. There ought to be a law that if you have a city team name, you must play within the city limits. Not even going to go there with the dipshits from New Jersey. That’s been covered already.

We might be 2-6, but hey, at least we’re in the heart of the country’s capital of good music, hot chicken, and some sense of normalcy. Meanwhile, out here in LA, shirtless dudes are running wild—like, keep it on the beach, Jim Harbaughs! It’s downright disrespectful to humanity to live in sunny California, yet be this out of shape while looking pale as a f—king corpse. 

But these Jimmies fit right in with the California weird. Go on, do your thing, I guess—just make sure to keep squinting up at Kansas City in the standings.

Once again, the Titans D has their work cut out for them, taking on another big-time QB if they want a shot at the upset. Let’s be honest—it hasn’t gone all that great against Goff, Allen, or even old man Rodgers. But here we go, up against Herbert, who’s still a regular-season juggernaut, even if he prefers spectating come playoff time. The Chargers’ backfield? That’s a laugh. King Henry practically sent two Ratbirds packing, and both wound up here. Dobbins is having a decent season, sure, and he’ll need containing—but at least he’s no Bishop Sankey.



I’m cautiously putting a little faith in our defense this time—they did step up after that cringe-worthy performance in the Little D. But let’s be real: Willy Memes is still out there, just one snap away from embarrassing himself and the city in the blink of an eye. Here’s hoping he’s finally dumped Victoria F. and experienced some sort of pigskin baptism from the football gods during his time off. We could use all the divine intervention we can get!

Prediction: Titans 312, Chargers 226

"and that’s the bottom line, behind enemy lines"

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

After being picked up off waivers from his home state of Indiana, Miles Harrington landed at the Titans Idiot Nation as their official hired gun. Miles’ hobbies include exotic travel to the most dangerous corners of the earth, humiliating Colts fans, and exclusively dating women with intel on fantasy sleepers. Miles is so sports-obsessed that his family nearly had him committed. But the judge was so impressed with his dedication to SINNING that she granted him full immunity. Head on over to Sports Idiot Nation to see for yourself.