Magical Comebacks and Turnarounds in South Beach?

WRITTEN BY: MILES HARRINGTON

#@&!* ID10Ts, I am so $@!*# mad! What is the point of all this? Why am I even here, Mom? Why did you blast me out of your balls, Dad? Why are you dating Victoria Fuller, Will? And most importantly, why do I choose to love a team whose mission statement seems to be “overpromise and underdeliver”? All valid questions—ones I’m sure you’ve asked yourself at least 10-12 times every Sunday, every Fall, for the last 20 years.

Here on the drier side of Florida, I get to enjoy my one consolation trip that TI gives me each year to keep me from quitting this often hapless occupation of being a Titans fan. But seriously, I was just here in mid-December—how the hell do we end up with a road game at the Dolphins every season now? Anyway, I should stop complaining and focus on what was a magical night where Will Levis led a comeback... just like he’s totally going to lead a magical turnaround this season. Yeah, right. Dear lord, we even almost scored 30 that night!

As a typical tourist, I’ve spent way too much time lounging on the beach, scouting random folks who could start at QB for the Fins on Monday Night. Considering the organization’s "win no matter who’s out there" mentality, you never know. I’ve even seen some women in dental floss G-strings slinging it farther than Skylar Thompson—who, by the way, reportedly isn’t throwing anything over 10 yards in practice with his cozy flak jacket. Honestly, I’ll take one of these ladies too. To be on standby to replace Will Levis, of course, not for myself. They don’t want none of this.

On my journey back across town, I heard Tyreek Hill has a new ride share service that can cut commute time in half. I think I’ll pass, though, considering he’s been a liability for fantasy teams everywhere this season. My gut’s telling me not to trust it, even though he’s a stand-up guy and a model citizen of the South Beach area. The media stories about his community involvement—teaching women self-defense and offering real-world training to local law enforcement—prove he’s more than just a world-beater on the field.

As the Titans DBs have their hands full trying to slow down the Cheetah and Billy Jeans attempts to get his head on straight—no offense, Tua—you can catch me FaceTiming our overlord, Mr. 3000, back in Nashville at Shipwreck Cove at Elm Hill Marina. Monday Night Football means nothing if you’re a slave to your couch and your measly 60-inch flat screen, hand down your pants. Get off your asses, Idiot Nation, and head over to Elm Hill Marina. And if you need a DD, Billy Jeans can hook you up with Victoria F’s number.

Prediction: Titans 17 (all in the last 5 minutes), Dolphins 3 (QBs used)

"and that’s the bottom line, behind enemy lines"

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

After being picked up off waivers from his home state of Indiana, Miles Harrington landed at the Titans Idiot Nation as their official hired gun. Miles’ hobbies include exotic travel to the most dangerous corners of the earth, humiliating Colts fans, and exclusively dating women with intel on fantasy sleepers. Miles is so sports-obsessed that his family nearly had him committed. But the judge was so impressed with his dedication to SINNING that she granted him full immunity. Head on over to Sports Idiot Nation to see for yourself.